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Having caught the number 6 bus to Kingswood in Bristol I make my way to a pub where I’m supposed to meet two very dubious characters Ian Beef and Alan Lamb. Both are producers releasing their music through Bristol label Hairy Parents. Anyone familiar with the Hairy tag may have heard names like Undivided Attention, Parlour Talk & All Creatures, all known for making their own brand of original and very skilled hip hop..
These characters are a bit harder to take in and some of us cynics may want to write them off as a novelty act, I’ve heard both albums and there are some excellent tracks, as well as the more comedic efforts.
As I walk in I spot them in a dark corner, I am greeted by a tall suited chap with very greasy hair and a poor suit, he tells me he is Lloyd Grossnet and is there to look after the labels interests (hmmmmm). Alan Lamb is dressed in his Royal Mail coat, has a very (and I mean very) strange head and speaks like a parrot that has swallowed the ‘That be Bristle’ guide to West Country speak. Ian Beef sits very still, talks super slow and is wearing some sort of hooded cloak so I never quite get a good look at his face. I try to plough on with my questions regardless of the weirdness surrounding me.
SO GIVE US A BIT OF BACKGROUND, WHERE DO YOU BOTH COME FROM MUSICALLY AND NORMALLY?
[LG] I think what Alan trying to say is his fresh new album will be out soon, initially a download only release from the Hairy Parents website from the 6/6/06 (with artwork so you can make your own CD), hopefully followed by a worldwide cd/vinyl edition.
[IB] I’m 42 and from the West Country and I love nothing more than meat, beats and staying away from people, plus I’m handy and my album wreaks of farm fresh quality.
[IB] It’s all totally wrong, it goes in the face of everything I stand for, and it’s not conducive to normal life.
[IB] Wholesome living, protein, sustenance and sustainability, also and primarily I stand for BEEF and eating pretty faced cows.
[AL] They tells I to get off the grass I says I’m not even on it, they says ‘You’re standin right on it’ and I says I knows what’s best done with the grass and it’s not worrying who’s standing on the bastard.
[LG] We at Hairy Parents fully endorse all forms of lifestyle vegetarian, vegan or even zoophiles all are respected by our corporation.
[IB] He’s a cunt
[AL] He is that, with a gurt conk on he, some idiot who kept wanting it rewounded and slowed down called Spye. I got my main man Wellum 1989 Bristol MC champ up gurt summit. I got Majesta on it as well, Beef got him right dosed up and I got the worst out of he! As well as doin the minterest cuttin’ myself I got r kid Beard of Meats layin’ down serious beardcore damage, Kevin Bacon hamming one off, oh and I got Finestyler and Name, but that want my ideal.
[LG] We tried hard to get the members of All Creatures to appear on the album to lend shall we say necessary support to our special friend here.
[AL] Cocks! Not forgettin the almighty Kentucky (the turkey drummer) blattin out the biggest muttonness on the drums. Last but not least is Goldenboy the 7 year old paedo annihilator, he gunnin em down top style.
[IB] Mostly my main man Majesta, who I’ve known for quite some time.
[AL] Shite!
[IB] although he only recently found out about the stew.
[IB] I dabble in botany, not bottomy mind, I had an extra few herbs that I put together one day and I found they had an amazing effect. After my cattle ate the herbs I found I could get them to do owt I wanted. So I added the herbs to my famous stew, found a worthy MC (Majesta) and made him my guinea pig. The results of the experiment appear on the album, I herald it a breakthrough, few agree. also appearing un enhanced by the stew are all the meat family members, Deed and Spye, cos Gord said we couldn’t afford good MCs from America.
[AL] He was workin at me postal depot, you know up at the old GPO twat
[LG] He means he was a postman
[AL] Anyway, he seemed a bit down on his luck so I invited him round one of me slags houses for a bong, bifter and a go on her flymo
[AL] You know!
[AL] Off I on me round at about half nine, outside cloctower up from the spoons, but don’t be later than ten, I’ll be off.
To put it simply agendaficationalisation will be proactively employed until such time as temporary.
[IB] Neither, fuck em all
[AL] Is this a backdoor sort of question? You know Lionel like.
[IB] Definitely cola, not that I’ve drunk anything other than powdered Beef drink since I invented it in ’85. You might have tried it from a vending machine in work mmmm.
[AL] Sorry glider (cider to you or I)
[AL] Probably Gordon Brown in the long term
[IB] A bald one at the front (Blair, I assume)
[AL] It doesn’t belong to I, part of it belonged to someone else, but I don’t like to talk about the accident.
[IB] I’ve done all that stuff a long time ago when I was in my first crew in ‘87 Fresh Meat, (magazines, interviews, videos etc) I’m too old now, I’m happy for my music to do the talking, while Majesta does my talking and takes any glory.
[IB] No I wish I had, I was touring in Europe with F M in ’89, I saw it in the window of this weird old shop in Greece. So, I snapped it up it’s actually very rare and the parts are a bastard. But I have to agree the Greek build quality has held up well, if anyone reading has a spare input meter for a Spam, let me know, mines crackly.
[AL] Well I is very, very funny,
[IB] I don’t hear anybody laughing, at least not when I’m around.
[IB] Would you eat a tramps shit, cos that’s what’ll happen you know!
[AL] Fuckin ell, I just walked back from there.
[IB] Let me ask you this, would you eat a gay tramps shit?
[AL] That’s why I just walked back
[AL] Severn what?
[IB] Something Gordon keeps banging on about
[LG] We at Halamistis International Bulk (owners of Hairy Parents) have been developing and marketing Severnex (the original do it fluid) for some years. Its multiple uses both in the domestic and professional areas has pushed it forward as a global force, with millions feeling the benefits of it’s wide range of excellence in so many fields.
[IB] I gotta bring in the cattle, and get another batch of stu on, I’ve got a new tune to record with Majesta ‘Hammond eggs’, should be good, and will be for sale as a download soon.
[AL] I’ve just walked back from space.
I’m not convinced he’s ever been to space, but he sure is and I suppose that’s all that matters. The Ian Beef and Alan Lamb albums are both available in MP3 download format from www.hairyparents.com/mp3albums.html. The Ian Beef LP is also available as a CD from www.hairyparents.com and all good stockists now. The entire Hairy Parents back catalogue right from acts like the Transcript Carriers in ’93, will be available for download from the same website soon so anyone looking to track down old gems from this crew should take a look.
The amazing Alan Lamb video can be downloaded for nowt at www.hairyparents.com/videodl.html
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© ukhh.com 2006
Alan Lamb & Ian Beef Interview
[AL] I’s just walked back from space in my spaceship, all ready for the release of my doperest mintest album ‘Beets Braeks & Scratchis for Mobiel Disk Jockyes’.
[AL] Mostly some geezer from round our way named Deed (formerly of Parlour Talk)
WHATS THIS STEW YOU REFER TO?
[LG] The Ian Beef CD album ‘Pleased to Meat You with Beats to Please You’ is available at all good stores and online direct from HAIRYPARENTS.COM, where it is also available as an MP3 download. The alan Lamb album ‘BEETS BRAEKS AND SCRATCHIS FOR MOBIEL DISK JOCKEYES’ will be available initially as an MP3 download only with vinyl and CD releases in the near future. The vinyl and cd releases are to be delayed due to the increased market forces, causing the juxtaposition of profitable accountability and a downturn in revenue reproduction.
MINGE OR BACKDOOR ?
DID YOU INVENT THE SPAM 80 MACHINE USED ON YOUR ALBUM?
I KEEP SEEING THE NAME SEVERNEX ON YOU RELEASES CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT THIS IS?
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